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Don’t Let Your Past Define You

Recently I have noticed the younger generation making excuses for the way they behave.

Blaming every little thing they have encountered in their past for the bad decisions they make.

If everyone let their past dictate their future, we would have very little successful people in the World.

I know for me, I could sit here feeling sorry for myself for the trauma in my life.. but I chose to rise above my past to have a better future.

I see kids these days cutting theirselves because they’re parents divorced.

I see kids turning to drugs and alcohol and blaming the World for their problems.

Choosing a life of crime because they think everyone owes them for the life they were given.

I wish they all could know that the decisions you make follow you for the rest of your life, and can ruin their future.

I know I am not exactly where I want to be in life, but I never let my past define me.

I have an alcoholic father who was physically abusive to my mother and mentally abusive to us all.

My brother committed suicide when I was 5.

I had a baby at 15 and encountered a medical mistake that caused brain damage which led to her having cerebral palsy.

I could go on and on about the devastation in my life, but I choose to think about all the good in my life.

I didn’t turn to drugs or alcohol. I didn’t live a life of crime.

I live everyday for my kids, to give them a better life and to show that I did not let my past control my future.

That doesn’t mean that I never think about my past, and I do suffer from depression and anxiety.. but I am learning to live life to the fullest and enjoy every moment I have on this Earth.

I know there are so many successful people out there that endured even more than I in their past. They rose above it and decided to make a better life for theirselves.

If you or someone you know is going through traumatic events, I encourage you to get help. Find a counselor that can help you talk about the pain and learn tools to overcoming your trauma.

Life is hard and there will be ups and downs. You just have to be strong. All the bad in life does not have to define you.

I know for me, everything I have ever went through has made me a stronger woman and more determined than ever to have a better life and for my children to grow up happy.

You can have a better life too, stay strong and don’t let your past define you for the rest of your life!

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Uncategorized

10 Truths About Me

Here lately it has occurred to me that most people in my life do not know the real me.

I am not fake or two faced, but I do hide parts of me that I feel people would not like.

After the current year we all faced and the uncertainty of how long we all will be on this Earth, I have decided I want people to know ME.

I have decided that being the real me and having people that accept the real me is more important than trying to be someone I am not so that people like me.

I have decided to lay it all out there and share 10 truths about me.

I smoke cigarettes

Yes, I have a disgusting habit that I cannot seem to kick. I hide it from most people because I don’t want people knowing that I am so weak to have an addiction to nicotine. I don’t plan on smoking for the rest of my life and I actually hate that I am a smoker, but that doesn’t make me a bad person.

I Cuss

Yes, I am guilty of using “bad” words to express myself. I don’t like to make a habit of cussing but I can’t say that they never escape my mouth.

I Envy Others

Nobody ever wants to admit that they are envious of other people, but I am guilty of feeling envy towards other people. I want what others have all the time.

I am the obnoxious drunk

I may not drink often, but when I do I become loud and annoying. People tend to avoid me after a few drinks. I also have been known for trying to start fights after a few beers, that is why I avoid beer and stick with wine.

I have depression and anxiety

This one is not really a secret, I talk about my anxiety and depression frequently. People may not know that some days I find it hard to get out of bed and find myself crying for no apparent reason.

I feel like a failure most of the time

This probably goes with the anxiety and depression but I struggle with feeling like a failure in my life. I feel I let my family down and that at my age I should be more successful.

I want to be a successful writer

Ever since I was a little girl, I have loved writing. I use to write short stories in my free time. My dream is to be a successful writer and at least have one published book.

I have a big heart

I may not show my feelings very well, but I care so much for people. My heart breaks when I see people suffering or sad.

I am very emotional

I try not to let people know this, but I am a very sensitive person. I get my feelings hurt very easy. I have a hard time with expressing my feelings to others, so most of the time I don’t defend myself (unless I am drinking).

I am not a fancy person

So I love dressing up and pretending to be fancy, but deep down I am just a down home country girl. I grew up in the country with not a lot of money and now I raise my family in the country with still not a lot of money. Fancy places make me uncomfortable and I am more at home at a whole in the wall country cafe. I am married to the biggest redneck in Lorena and wouldn’t have it any other way.

I hope you enjoyed learning the 10 truths about me.

Always remember to be yourself and don’t try to be what you think others want you to be.

I have tried for years to be someone I am not and hide what I didn’t want others to know, but you will find life if so more enjoyable when you accept who you really are and embrace it.

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depression Uncategorized

6 Ways to Beat Depression

Depression sucks, plain and simple! I have suffered from anxiety and depression for a very long time, and I am done with it controlling my life.

Today I turned 36 and while some people feel happiness for their Birthday, I feel sadness. Sadness to be another year older, sadness for all I didn’t accomplish in that year, and sadness another year has flown by in the blink of an eye.

A year ago I was faced with the news that I may have cancer. After all the tests came back and I was told there was no cancer I was so thankful. At that moment I was so ready to live my life to the fullness and never take life for granted. I would be happy for every day that God blessed me on Earth. Now here I am a year later finding it hard to find my happiness and searching for myself in a sea of darkness.

My husband will ask ” Why can’t you just be happy?“, for him it is a choice to be happy, but for someone with depression it takes strength just to get out of bed daily. I ask myself the same question every day, “why can’t you just stop with this!”,What is wrong with you!”. 

I want happiness and I want to feel joy again! If medication is not going to work for me, I am going to fight depression!

I have made a list of 5 ways I am going to kick depressions butt!

Exercise

I have heard that exercise is a great way to clear your mind and get rid of stress. I am going to sweat out the stress and anxiety!

Find Support

Having support to lean on is very important. In the past, I didn’t want my friends or family to know what I was going through so I hid from the world. Not anymore. I am going to reach out to my friends and lean on my family support more.

Get out of the house

This one is a biggie. Anyone with anxiety and depression knows how hard it is to get out into the World of the unknown. Trying new restaurants, overly crowded places or just simple traffic can make you want to curl up in bed. I have spent too many weekends in bed! Staying cooped up in your home may feel safe, but is adding more triggers for your depression. Such as feeling like your missing out on life or feelings of regret when you cancel an event. I am going to start getting out and doing more no matter the anxiety!

Make A Journal

I am thinking of starting a journal to keep a log of my feelings and my blessings.  A journal could be a great way to express the feelings when your down and also keep track of how you came back up.

Make a daily goal list

Make a daily goal list of achievable goals, such as take the trash out, load the washer. Keep your goal list small, don’t overdo it with a mile-long list. Reward yourself for achieving your goals, such as Mani or Pedi.

Remember to take care of yourself

It is so important to have activities or hobbies just for yourself. If you like listening to music, allow yourself time in the day just to listen to music and enjoy it. If you like painting, sign up for a painting class. Don’t feel guilty to do things for yourself.

My hopes are that by the time my 37th birthday rolls around, I will have fought my depression down and will enjoy my next birthday.

These are just my opinions, you still should consult with your doctor to have a plan of your own for fighting depression. 

 

 

 

 

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depression suicide awareness Uncategorized

Suicide Awareness

Suicide. The topic of suicide can be a hard one to talk about. Especially if your family has had to endure the pain of losing a loved one from taking their own life.

At sixteen my older brother took his own life. I was five at the time and did not even really understand what had happened to my brother. As I got older and began asking my mom questions about Justin, she explained that he was really sad and he could not handle it anymore. I could never understand how he could have been that sad. I couldn’t understand why he would leave me and why he didn’t love me enough to stay on this Earth to be my big brother. I didn’t understand, until I started facing my own anxiety and depression.

When I was a child my dad was a very abusive alcoholic. Not always physically abusive, but mentally abusive. I dreaded the nights he was not home right after work, because I knew he was a the beer joint getting  angry drunk.

He would keep my mom and I up all night fighting with us or questioning our love for him. There were nights we had to stay at a hotel, just to get some peace from him. I spent a lot of my childhood scared and exhausted from the fighting.

As I became a teenager, I became more angry with him and would fight back. That just added more stress to the situation. I became so tired of life. Being a teenager didn’t help either because I was raging with hormones on top of being depressed and angry. One night I was so fed up with the yelling and screaming and attempted suicide. I just could not stand the thought of another day on this Earth with him as my father and the problems I was facing in school.

In anger I took a handful of my mom’s blood pressure bills. My mom found me with the pills and immediately gave me ipecac (a syrup that makes you throw up your entire stomach). It was not pleasant at all. I was so mad that she couldn’t just let me go. My mom saved my life.

After that my mom got me the help I needed and depression medication. Things didn’t get better with my dad until I finally moved out at 18, but I learned to deal with my emotions a little better.

I felt so selfish to do that to my mom. She has always been my rock and tried to give me the best life she could. Now as a mother I could not even imagine the heart break of losing my son to suicide and then my daughter trying to go the same way.

Depression can make you feel like the whole world would be better off without you, but that is NOT true. You leave the people that love you behind to mourn you and blame their self for not doing enough to help.

I always wish I could have helped my brother but his depression was silent. He didn’t tell anybody the way he felt inside. Maybe if I had been older I could have seen the signs of his depression, but we will never know the maybes or what ifs. I just hope I can spread awareness for this disease and suicide prevention.

If you are suffering from depression, there are treatments for depression so don’t be ashamed to get help. There are more people than you know going through the same things as you. Reach out to your loved ones, believe me when I say they would rather you come to them for help than to have to go to your funeral.

If you are just going through a hard time right now and just cannot see the light at the end of the tunnel, it WILL get better! Hard times come and go in life but it does get better.

I encourage to read the signs of depression and reach out to your loved ones that might be dealing with more than you know. 

In loving memory of my Big Brother Justin Hiller. He is missed everyday.