This post is very hard to write. This post will expose my weaknesses and allow you all to see my life, beyond social media.
I suffer from anxiety and depression. I take medication, but sometimes “life” takes control and my depression and anxiety take over.
Recently, I have fallen into a hole of “self pity” and questioned MY worth.
I fell deeper and deeper into a pit of sorrow and I could not find my way out.
Feelings of aloneness, resentment, and feelings of being “unloved” surrounded me.
I finally got to my breaking point, after months of the constant “rush” of life and people letting me down.
After, one very long day of scorching Texas heat, appointments after appointments, coming home to a dirty house and having to cook dinner, I broke.
I lost control of my emotions. I could not stop the flood of feelings. Anger, sadness, loneliness and exhaustion encompassed me.
In pure weakness, I tried to take my own life. It was like everything I work so hard for everyday, didn’t even matter. In an instant, I regretted my actions.
My husband stopped me from making the biggest mistake of my life, and I’m grateful for him, but I immediately knew I just made a huge mistake and I couldn’t take it back.
The damage was already done. I had scared my children and my husband. I made them question why their wife and mother would leave them. I instantly felt ashamed of myself and broken hearted for what I just did to my family.
How could I be so strong, for so long, then in a moment of weakness, take everything away from my family.
I knew, the only hope for me would be from a higher power, God. I was so consumed with shame, I couldn’t ask God for help.
I ran across a daily devotional that stopped me in my tracks. It said “quiet your mind and listen for God.” “Pray for God to quiet your thoughts, so you can hear God’s words. ”
Those words hit me like a ton of bricks. My thoughts encompass me, so I feel alone from God, because I can’t hear his Words to guide me.
I immediately prayed for my mind to be still and let me hear the Words of my Creator.
In an instant, my mind went calm, and I could hear my Lord and Savior comforting my soul.
He said to me ” Do I get all the love and appreciation for all I do?” ” Does everyone I love, love me back?” “Do people I love not disappoint me?” “But I continue to love them And I will never give up on them. ”
I came to a realization, we don’t have to be love or appreciated in this World. We do these things and love one another because our God leads us to do so.
Not for money, popularity, fame or recognition. We do it for our Lord Jesus Christ, because He appreciates us and loves us. That’s all that matters.
Jesus suffered immensely, for each and every one of us. He was not popular or recognized for all of His generosity and love. But He never gave up and still does not give up, even when the people of this world let Him down.
God didn’t promise everything would be easy. Life gets hard, people let us down, but we push through for God.
This world is not our home, there is a grander place waiting for us. A place without hate, a place without worry.
I can’t wait to go there and be with My Lord, but only when it’s God’s time, not mine.
I will continue to walk the path of righteousness. I will love others, even if they don’t love me back. I will help others without expecting anything in return.
I don’t claim to be a “good” Christian. I have a lot of work to do to transform me into the Christian women I am meant to be. But I pray God will mold me into the ” child of God“, I am meant to be.
Always know, God is with you and he loves you. You just have to quiet your thoughts and listen to His Words.
Psalm 37:7 Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for him; fret not yourself over the one who prospers in his way, over the man who carries out evil devices!