Categories
family thankful Uncategorized

I am Thankful for the Mess

Here lately I have been in a bit of a mom funk. You know where you feel as if your life is defined by that pile of dirty laundry or that sink full of dishes. It feels as if my life is overcome by a house that needs cleaning everyday and people need to be fed everyday. The mom funk can consume you and make you feel like curling up in a ball in bed and crying, until the kids or husband need something.

So as I sat wondering if there was more to life than this mess I have to clean everyday, and I find myself Thankful for this mess of a life. I think about a life without this mess. A life without my kids and my husband. That life seemed very sad and lonely. So this Thanksgiving here is what I am thankful for in my life.

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*I am Thankful for the laundry

I am thankful for the clothes I have to wash each and everyday, because that means that I can provide clean clothes for my family to wear.

 

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*I am Thankful for the house I get to clean

I am Thankful to have a home that I can keep clean for my family. Even if that means sweeping, mopping and cleaning nasty toilets.

 

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*I am Thankful for the meals I get to cook

I am Thankful my family does not have to go without food and I have the opportunity to cook for them, even if they do complain.

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*I am Thankful I am a mom

I am so Thankful I get to be a mom. Even if it means non stop Doctor Appointments, School Meetings, bath times and being a mom taxi. I love being a mom! I cannot imagine my life without my little mess makers.

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*I am Thankful for my Husband

I am Thankful that my husband gets up everyday and goes to work to provide for us, even if he doesn’t seem to know where the laundry room is or how a dishwasher works.

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*I am Thankful for me

I am Thankful that I find the strength everyday to get up and face life head on. I may not always want to, but I do what I gotta do each and every day.

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Of coarse there is so much more I am Thankful for in my life, but these are my blessings in life I may take for granted.

Be Thankful for the messes in your life. 

 

Categories
depression suicide awareness Uncategorized

Suicide Awareness

Suicide. The topic of suicide can be a hard one to talk about. Especially if your family has had to endure the pain of losing a loved one from taking their own life.

At sixteen my older brother took his own life. I was five at the time and did not even really understand what had happened to my brother. As I got older and began asking my mom questions about Justin, she explained that he was really sad and he could not handle it anymore. I could never understand how he could have been that sad. I couldn’t understand why he would leave me and why he didn’t love me enough to stay on this Earth to be my big brother. I didn’t understand, until I started facing my own anxiety and depression.

When I was a child my dad was a very abusive alcoholic. Not always physically abusive, but mentally abusive. I dreaded the nights he was not home right after work, because I knew he was a the beer joint getting  angry drunk.

He would keep my mom and I up all night fighting with us or questioning our love for him. There were nights we had to stay at a hotel, just to get some peace from him. I spent a lot of my childhood scared and exhausted from the fighting.

As I became a teenager, I became more angry with him and would fight back. That just added more stress to the situation. I became so tired of life. Being a teenager didn’t help either because I was raging with hormones on top of being depressed and angry. One night I was so fed up with the yelling and screaming and attempted suicide. I just could not stand the thought of another day on this Earth with him as my father and the problems I was facing in school.

In anger I took a handful of my mom’s blood pressure bills. My mom found me with the pills and immediately gave me ipecac (a syrup that makes you throw up your entire stomach). It was not pleasant at all. I was so mad that she couldn’t just let me go. My mom saved my life.

After that my mom got me the help I needed and depression medication. Things didn’t get better with my dad until I finally moved out at 18, but I learned to deal with my emotions a little better.

I felt so selfish to do that to my mom. She has always been my rock and tried to give me the best life she could. Now as a mother I could not even imagine the heart break of losing my son to suicide and then my daughter trying to go the same way.

Depression can make you feel like the whole world would be better off without you, but that is NOT true. You leave the people that love you behind to mourn you and blame their self for not doing enough to help.

I always wish I could have helped my brother but his depression was silent. He didn’t tell anybody the way he felt inside. Maybe if I had been older I could have seen the signs of his depression, but we will never know the maybes or what ifs. I just hope I can spread awareness for this disease and suicide prevention.

If you are suffering from depression, there are treatments for depression so don’t be ashamed to get help. There are more people than you know going through the same things as you. Reach out to your loved ones, believe me when I say they would rather you come to them for help than to have to go to your funeral.

If you are just going through a hard time right now and just cannot see the light at the end of the tunnel, it WILL get better! Hard times come and go in life but it does get better.

I encourage to read the signs of depression and reach out to your loved ones that might be dealing with more than you know. 

In loving memory of my Big Brother Justin Hiller. He is missed everyday.

 

Categories
DISNEY Uncategorized

My Disney Experience

My family and I recently took a trip to Disney World for my daughter’s graduation gift. We are not one of those families that are able to go yearly. We had to save for a whole year and still had to take donations from friends and family. So to say this was BIG deal for my family is an understatement.

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I am sure we could have saved money by not staying at a resort but I wanted my daughter to have the full experience she dreamed of , since she worked so hard to graduate high school. As some of you may know, my daughter has Cerebral Palsy, so school wasn’t always easy for her, but she pushed through so she could see MICKEY MOUSE. We stayed at the Art of Animation Resort and spent three days at the parks, Hollywood Studios, Magic Kingdom and Animal Kingdom.

If you would have asked me right after we made it back home if it was worth it, I probably would have said NO. I suffer from anxiety so I wanted everything to be perfect. I researched and planned for months and I still did not learn or prepare for everything at Disney World. So when we left I felt like a failure to my family because everything did not go as planned. I knew we could not make another trip for a long time or ever, so I really wanted my family to see and do everything they wanted to. That was my first mistake.

Now that it has been over a month since we went to Disney World, I sit back and remember the fun we had and the memories we made. So yes it was worth it! I would like to share some tips on Disney World if you plan on making a trip to Florida. Maybe you will not make the same mistakes I made.

Use Disability Access Service if you have a special needs person

Upon arriving to Disney I thought I did all my research on handicapped accessibility but I was wrong. I had read that people in wheelchairs would go through a separate line to get on rides, so assumed we did not need the DAS. The DAS tool allows you to be given a time to ride the ride and you could come back when it was time and not have to wait all day in the line. I was unaware that people could just rent a wheelchair upon arriving so there was a ton of people going through wheelchair lines. So needless to say we did not ride many rides because of the wait times, rookie mistake but noted. Also, make a list of what rides are wheelchair accessible without transfer, unless you can transfer. It is hard transferring my daughter onto the rides and I made a list of all wheelchair accessible rides but not the non transfer rides, so I did have to transfer her onto some rides.

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Prepare for Rain

I did actually prepare for rain. We all had our ponchos packed and ready. Although I did not expect to be having to wear them almost the entire time. I had read it rains sporadically in Florida, but that week it rained more frequent. It didn’t stop us, we just put our ponchos on and kept going. It did although shut some rides down and shows that we used our fast pass for. My bag also was totally drenched and my notebook I wrote our plans in was ruined. So I suggest use a water proof bag and maybe Ziploc baggies to put your map and autograph notebook in.

Use your Fast Passes Wisely

Because we stayed at a resort, I was able to reserve our Fast Pass activities early. It literally took me days to go through the events and rides and choose 3 per day we wanted to reserve. So I thought I did a really good job at planning our Fast Pass reservations. Soooo wrong. First of all, look at a map of the park before hand and see how where the events are. You might want to start close to the front of the park and work yourself to the back of the park. I did not do that. We would see one show and then have to boogie to another part of the park before our next reservation started. Making it hard to enjoy each part of the park. After you use your 3 fast passes you can add more on a kiosk or your phone. Make sure you know where the kiosk are on the map because my phone was either dead or was not getting signal to make more fast pass reservations.

Use Transportation if you can

We decided to drive from our resort to each park. We were unaware if there was enough accessible seating on the bus and we wanted the freedom to leave as needed. In my head I thought we may need to leave the park to rest at the resort and go back later. That did not happen. We stayed busy the entire time, no time for breaks. So anyways, we had to pay $25.00 to park each day. That adds up when you already spent $5,000 to go to Disney World. My suggestion is research transportation and take advantage of it.

You will not see EVERYTHING

I really wish I had prepared myself mentally that we would not se everything we wanted to see at Disney World. I wish I would have tried not to rush around to see all the attractions and just slowed down to enjoy what we could see. Don’t get me wrong we saw a lot of Disney World and enjoyed so much. Make a list of your must haves and try not to worry about the rest. I did make a list of the major must haves. My daughter loves Mickey Mouse, Monsters Inc and Cinderella. She got to meet Mickey Mouse and she danced with the Monsters Inc crew, unfortunately we were unable to make it to see Cinderella, but honestly I don’t think she remembered that. My son was all about the Animal Kingdom and he loved attractions that I did not even plan. Not planning everything actually works out better sometimes. For instance, I did not plan on us seeing the “Finding Nemo Musical”, because I did not think my family would enjoy it. But we saw they didn’t have a wait line and we all needed to sit for a while so we went in. Ciara (my daughter) loved it, I never knew she loved musicals so much. The whole family really enjoyed it. So just take it easy and have fun.

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I know some hardcore Disney fans may disagree with me, but I cannot lie and say everything was perfect. We made a lot of memories and did have a lot of fun, but the stress was there. The crowds are awful, everything is overpriced and you will encounter stressful situations. But I encourage you to not be like me, don’t sweat the small stuff, don’t let you anxiety win and just have the best time of your life at the most magical place on Earth!

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Categories
MARRIAGE plus size Uncategorized

Insecurities Can Affect your Marriage

Insecurities affect more than just your own life, it affects your marriage as well. When you do not love truly love yourself, how do you expect to accept the love of another person??

I have been with  my husband for almost 19 years now. We met as teenagers and have basically grown up together. He accepted a single teenage mother to be the love of his life, but yet I cannot accept that he truly loves me.

My body insecurities have caused many problems in our marriage. Of coarse not ALL of our problems stem from my insecurities, but I know if I loved myself more I would be a better wife for him.

My insecurities for myself really started after having my son. I gained a lot of weight and I still have not lost the weight from before him. And he is 13! Sometimes I feel like such a failure that I cannot just lose the weight and feel better about myself, and I think my husband must be so disappointed in me. My mind wonders if he wishes he could have the girl he fell in love with back, that young blonde with a decent body.

He reassures me that he still thinks I am pretty and my weight does not bother him, but my mind tells me he cannot be telling the truth. He sees the same me I see in the mirror and that me is disgusting.  So I may roll my eyes or say something sarcastically when he compliments me , because I cannot believe he would see something different than I see in the mirror. That greatly affects our marriage, because he thinks his opinion does not matter and he is being of accused of lying.

My insecurities also affect our intimacy, because I do not want him to see me naked. I make excuses or just go to bed and that really hurts his feelings because he starts to feel he is not good enough. And that truly breaks my heart because it is my fault he feels that way. And we all know the thoughts us ladies have when you know you are giving your husband lovins, our first thought is he will go find it elsewhere. Now I know my husband would not do that to me, but it does not mean my brain does not think about it. My brain tells me “he will find a girl with a better body, and you will be alone forever”.  

I have let my insecurities within myself have control for too long! I will not let them destroy my marriage and my family. I am going to believe my husband when he tells me I am beautiful and I am going to tell myself that every time I look in the mirror. “YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL”. 

I may not lose weight, some things are just out of my control , but I can control ME and I am going to love myself no matter the size I am! I am going to embrace my curves and embrace my husband!

If you are letting your insecurities control you marriage, it is not too late to regain control. Start by telling yourself “YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL”, and then truly believe it because YOU ARE!

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